Hard Crackers wants to help the nation out in its time of need; therefore we’ve drawn up the following recommendations for what the government could do during the shutdown:
1. End all drone attacks.
2. Close all solitary confinement facilities in federal prisons.
3. Eliminate border patrols.
4. End ICE raids.
5. Suspend all financial support for Israel, Egypt, Saudi Arabia and every other country.
6. De-activate nuclear weapons program—ICBMs, nuclear submarines and air force bombers.
7. Re-surface all submarines; end cruel and unusual imprisonment of sailors on submarines.
8. Assign all submarine sailors, on a voluntary basis, to repainting submarines yellow.
9. Suspend all surveillance operations; let Snowden go to get him out of the news.
10. Begin the removal of US armed forces from all foreign bases.
11. Stop withholding IRS taxes from paychecks.
12. Introduce one-day work week.
13. Relocate ghettos in Country Club estates.
14. House all bores (from right, center and left) with other bores.
15. Dismantle armed forces, assign all former military personnel to entertain children and toddlers at birthday parties.
16. Put bad TV commentators ad comedians in stocks, compel them to watch their own shows.
17. Clowns-for-hire to pursue routines on decks of aircraft carriers crewed by other clowns putting on fireworks displays sailing down Hudson River.
18. Baseball games made free, players to be paid the same as bus drivers.
19. Continue delivering Tide pods to Congressional cafeteria on schedule.
Other suggestions welcome.